While studying Psalms today, it felt like I could’ve been with King David writing those words. He does a better job communicating my feelings. I’ve read the story of David multiple times but never did I make the connection that his work in Psalms contained how he felt during his ordeal with King Saul. King David went through it! What? Because he was called from minding his business to be anointed? Because he saved his people from their adversary?
I’ve experienced persecution for Christ twice in my life. Sometimes I think it could’ve been avoided then I remember that persecution is something we’ll go through one way or another in this work with Christ. Maybe it could’ve been avoided those times but surely I would’ve experienced it in another shape or form.
It was quite scary; it came with emotional and mental stress. First was the shock from what was happening; it was surreal. There was also the shock and a slight feeling of betrayal and disappointment from the people persecuting. I’ve always known that God can and will use anyone who’ll say yes to His leading, whether they know it’s Him or not. But these two experiences showed me that it works the same with the enemy. This understanding has helped me let go and forgive because in their minds, I’m sure the things they did and said made sense.
Second was anger. Although I knew it was persecution, I couldn’t wrap my mind around what they did, what they said. How did it make sense that anything I did warranted all that? What gave them the right? Why were they so boldly disturbing my life and peace? After I’d grown that much in Christ, I thought I had so much love in my heart that I’d never lay a curse or intentionally speak evil upon a person until it happened. But I thank God for the Holy Spirit who kept asking me one question: “are you better at serving justice than God?” It was an unkeen surrender, not because I didn’t trust Him, but because I was filled with so much emotion that I would’ve preferred to deal with it myself.
Third was the anxiety. “What’s going to happen after this?” I worried over how certain people would take the news if it reached them. I worried over the effects it would have on some relationships. My confidence in the path I was on shook a little. I wondered how I’d pick things up from where I left off. To me, this was the most stressful part. We all worry about our future sometimes but this was on another level. My zeal was pinned to the ground, the fire in my heart had been dimmed, I felt so weak and small. I didn’t want to give up but would I truly be able to continue? Am I strong enough? Talking to God became hard- not that I didn’t want to hear Him, but there was so much going on in my head- I was so wounded. I knew I’d find strength in His words though. So everyday I’d study my Bible a little and pray a little; the same prayers – “please help me”, “please heal me”, “why did they do that?”, “why now?”, “I’m so sad and angry daddy”, “please take away the sadness and anger”, “let your justice hit them hard”. Slowly, I was able to worship and rejoice again, I was able to get instructions from God. I was able to pick it up from where I left off.
God hasn’t forsaken you. His plans have always been good; working with God is putting away yourself which includes your definition of good. Whatever happens, hold on to Him- from the start. This is so important- FROM THE START. If you haven’t faced persecution and you truly want to serve God, be sure that He’s the reason and inspiration behind every choice and move you make because He’s the only one worth it all. I pray strength and God’s wisdom for you in all things.
”We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.“
Romans 5:3-5 NLT
The Penthouse 