Sinmi’s Diary: The Old Master

Dear Diary,

It happened again. It appears his fetters remain tight on my feet, and his chains on my hands. Liberty seems to be fiction. Freedom proves to be a lie. I had confessed what they said I should. And yet, here I am, in the hands of an old master. It took merely a whisper, and my body succumbed to his voice. My loins continue to burn like Chimera’s flames in the dark. He has proven his point. I belong to him.

My body has grown numb in the blackness, because a horde of negative emotions continue to rip my soul apart. Like wild dogs, guilt and shame now take turns scavenging what is left of my already dying convictions. I am weak, and I am ashamed. My tears have carved a path from my eyes to the pillows underneath.

I await the morning, and I pray it comes soon. My body feels dirty, and my soul reeks of despair. I do not feel any different from when I uttered those words at the altar. I fear that I’m even more far away than I’ve ever been. My bed has become a crime scene, and I am both victim and culprit.

~~~~~

Dear Diary,

It has been three weeks, but it’s happened again. This war in my members rages on like an unending storm. My will appears weak against him. My good intentions are but a blunt spear in this battle against him. I am distraught. I am grossly fatigued. I prayed, I fasted, how could I lose to him again?

My mind is become a restless tide, and my heart an ocean of doubt. Daily, I am plagued with the fear of falling short. I quiver at the whisper of his voice, because I undoubtedly believe it’s only a matter of time before he wins. Every-time I face him, I return with a broken shield and an injured soul.

When will this endless night end? When will the morning star rise? Have I not yet suffered enough? Do I not yet belong to another? I feel doomed to an endless soliloquy. I can only hope that I survive this ordeal.

~~~~~~~

Dear Diary,

Three months have passed, and something’s changed about me. My steps were ordered toward Adonai’s sanctum; a place where I am fed truth in heavy portions. Ever since then, I find myself wrapped fully in the arms of divine epiphany.

It would appear that my eyes are not so focused on the old master and his whims anymore. All my gaze is now on the One who gives grace. Calvary has now become the subject of my never-ending muse.

With each defeat I suffered, it became even more clear that I could not win by my strength. I would require something beyond my will and power. Henceforth, I have refused to keep count of how many times I fall. I would rather trust in His ability to pick me up again, until I fall no more. This is my current resolve.

However, it still seldom feels like the quiet before the storm. I’m still haunted by the memories of my past failures. Nevertheless, I choose to make Adonai’s words my soliloquy. He alone can help me, and He has.

~~~~~~~

Dear Diary,

It’s been five years, and it hasn’t happened since. My heart is glad, and my hope has been restored. The power of the Highest is upon me. I am eternally free. I am the helped of the Lord. I am born of God.

It would appear that the old master had won all these years, not because he was so mighty, but because I did not know what Adonai had done in and for me. I had been fought the wrong way all these years. I had marched blindly against sin in his own domain. In my own confidence, I fought him, seeking to bind him in his own house; the flesh.

But thanks be to Him, who has made us dead to the old master. We live by the power in the life of the One who vanquished the old master. I have learnt not to fight for my own victory, but enforce the one He won for me.

I live in a new domain now. Father calls it, ‘In the Spirit’. As long as I walk in that new domain, the old master can’t reach me. He still whispers to this day, but the difference is, I don’t have to do what He says. I have the power to say no to him. Because I am dead to him. Period.

– The Wordsmith M.D.✝️

It is my earnest desire, that you don’t just relate with the struggle, but the victory as well. Remember, God loves you🖤